I just gotta add a few more words, even repetitious ones, about this whole ‘be yourself’ phenomenon. My intention isn’t to be quick with the answers, but to pump in more questions!
It is common to look at music icons, actresses, rock concerts, space travel, etc. and suggest these folks were ‘being themselves’. Are they?
Maybe. But that cannot be determined without a deep and personal conversation with them. You see, ‘being yourself’ may not be about what your skills are at all, but about what drives those skills!
However, my point in pondering this whole issue is this…..
Why would a person encounter any resistance in ‘being oneself’?
In her research in The Aquarian Conspiracy, Marilyn Ferguson states that “personal transformation has a greater impact on relationships than on any other realm of life.
The first impact on relationships is that they improve or deteriorate but rarely stay the same.
While some changes in a person are welcomed, more often they are threatening.
The game-playing inherent in most relationships cannot withstand the departure of one player.
The habits and fences may have kept us from richer, more creative lives, from being ourselves. The partner who still supports the old agenda may feel angry and abandoned.
People want us to change, but to meet their needs, not ours. And the partner who feels threatened cannot see why the other does not just change back (“If you loved me…..”) or hopes that this is just a passing phase, like adolescent rebellion or midlife crisis.”
The main reason we ignore our life’s real pull, may be because we know instinctively that there is a real price to pay.
In order to become authentic and true to oneself, we’re going to have to give up something dear, or we have the fear that this is so…..a house, a job, a belief, a relationship, a lifestyle, security, money, time, anger at somebody, or just our cynicism.
And to add to the dilemma, when we want to change…..to improve things for ourselves…..we may be offered difficulties that may be even more bewildering. So there may be moments of doubting that we may have made any positive steps at all, and it seems like the only option might be to return to the status quo, amidst a lot of derision from those who may say, “I told you so.”
What happens to all of the dreams, life trials, efforts, rejections by our mates and family, wannabe adventures, whatever is still waiting inside our hearts, what’s on the shelf in the workshop, what’s scribbled in our notebooks, paints and brushes stashed away with partially covered canvas? I could go on, or together we could fill these pages with scrubbed ambitions.
Has any of this stuff gone away forever? I don’t think so. Do you notice how much of it you still carry? I do.
So we stash it all into our shadow side, so to speak. And like a real shadow, it all seems to follow us everywhere, throughout our lives, always looking for a chance to be expressed.
And it eventually will express, even if it looks all contorted or convoluted and doesn’t come out the right way, at first.
What about those who have not lived in the limelight?
I am of the opinion that it isn’t all about the effort towards that first taste of success…….but about some underlying fear of what to do for an encore.
If you succeed, (and a lot of your family and friends sincerely hope you do not, though they vehemently deny it….just so things can get back to ‘normal’) you may be expected to do it again and again. How difficult is it to drive ourselves into a continuing state of achievement? Are there costs to family, friends and health?
”Well for me, success means more work and that means more time away from my family, and I don’t want that.” Or similar.
By not being yourself and succeeding at what you love, you avoid these kinds of conflicts with those around you.
When and where will we get the courage to act on some of these questions, maybe to delve into this part of our soul and discover our real ‘being ourself’?
The short answer? From a community that seeks its own answers and respects the gift we will bring to the table.
Examining life’s questions will lead us to others whose lives are moving to the cadence of those same questions. A community of travelers about whom P.L. Travers (writer) says, “never an answer but a spark of instructive fire.”
A community that encourages us to test our new legs or at least listens to our newfound words of stumbling declaration…..with respect and appreciation.
We already know that closing doors is the result of making what may be some hard choices. We may not want to do so. That would eliminate other choices which we rationalize may be the more accurate or opportune ones.
The question we must pose is “What are we willing to take on or give up, to ensure that we at least have genuinely sought out what is our love…or our authenticity, integrity, etc.?
You see, it isn’t that we declare something and that’s what we want – maybe we first need to hear our declaration out loud. Then we may notice that we are merely uncovering or clarifying the ‘gap’. That’s progress!
We need the safety net of a group that also seeks the same path.
This newly found community is critical in that we will be allowed to speak ourselves to a group that is capable of ‘listening our soul into existence.’
It’s most likely here that we will find the guidance, support, real friendship, strength, source of encouragement and love, and all the feedback that will be necessary for us to take those first hesitant steps towards an urging or calling that seems insurmountable.
Our vision or gift or calling must resist the misguided ‘expertise’ or authority of others – even our mates, family and friends, or we will submit to their failings or concerns and lose our own way. There will come a time when we decide that “we can no longer NOT follow our own path” and when this happens, it is best we find ourselves within a supporting commuity.
How do we find such a community or communities?
They do exist and that we spend time to seek them out, does matter, because it is critical to ‘be ourself’ , and ultimately that’s what really matters.
Rich