I just retreated from a heavy and heated discussion on another blog site. Well, it was more of an engagement than a discussion, and my energy was pretty much drained. How come? Energizing conversations bring an energizing influence to my life. So what happened this time?
Ever catch yourself ‘attempting to preserve history,’ looking to yesterday’s answers for today’s or tomorrow’s problems? Yeah, me too. That’s what happened. This group (me included) seemed to miss so much, since we couldn’t even agree on what the history was! As the conversation dabbled in politics, religion, sociology and even a bit of philosophy, it seemed that even the significant events of the past, written down by various authors and historians, are altered somehow.
If they are not changed directly, then our personal perception of historical persons and events gives them a new ‘arguing in favor of my viewpoint’ slant. They are good or bad, positive or negative, according to our present needs. In this particular chat, the need was definitely ‘to win’ whatever one could.
Reminded me of the old sandbox interactions! “Did so!” “Did not!” Even the emotion was there!
It’s very difficult to keep a conversation going, maintaining a relatedness with all participants, if the outcome is “I win, you lose.” Win what? No one ever seems to know for sure.
Why are we so adamant that what comes out of our mouths is the truth? Is it because we are playing to ourselves? Our own best audience? Because we need to give ourselves the appearance that we are providing the best show possible, even if we already know the outcome (in our mind)?
As the discussion heated up, a few folks took on the premise of being the experts in the ‘room.’ But they were defending old answers to a society that no longer existed, that was difficult to interpret as a model, and were trying to apply those answers to today.
I’ll admit that I also wanted to declare my own expertise. At the moment that I noticed myself doing this, I noticed that I also slipped into yesterdays’ answers!
Rather than being an ‘expert’, if I only used old answers, wouldn’t that be more a quality or trait of someone who merely had a good memory for what one has read or been told? It would seem so.
Of course, the flavor of the conversation (as a lot generally tend to do) invariably shifted to, “I didn’t say that.” “Well, it was obvious that you implied it.” So the conversation now became about some participants placing ‘meaning’ into the words and thoughts of others. Then it became an energy drain to argue these ‘ghosts and wisps of smoke’ out of existence.
Is this beginning to sound somewhat like a ‘personal relationship’ type of communication? Is it inevitable that this is the predictable outcome of any human conversation? Maybe, if left to its own processes.
Well, probably more than just ‘maybe.’ Therefore, the drain in energy and strain in relatedness. The good news is that recognition of what is happening can restore some of the energy, much like an ‘Aha!’ moment does.
For the time being, just being alert to that whole phenomenon would matter a lot in how we listen to others in the community.
Something else became interestingly obvious, as I looked over my personal library for more ‘answers.’ (Future post.)
Rich