There is so much new stuff coming out about listening. It is listed at the top of those things that can make or break a relationship. It has now become an essential ’strategy’ for good communication.
What is now between us is a checklist, ensuring that we get it right, so we can revel in the results!
You are being asked to make eye contact with me, lean forward in your chair, gather your attention, clear your mind of distraction, add in an occasional ‘Uh huh’ so I understand that you think my issues are important enough for you to spend your time with. Maybe even a little repetition, here and there, of a sentence I have used. That extra strategy is called feedback (or is it mimicking, I forget?). It can even be called ‘spending quality time with me.’
Who can argue with this set of rules for bringing us closer together in authentic communication? Wait a minute! Authentic? It certainly gives the impression of authenticity if you practice enough. Actors and actresses become masters of their roles and appear to ‘become’ their role character. They appear to be listening to each other, don’t they? Good grief, what more do you want from me anyway?
“Okay, go ahead, I’m listening, “ you tell me when we are on the phone. But as we chat I feel that you have gone away somewhere.
“Are you still there?” “Yeah, I just turned on the coffee machine.” “Are you still there?” “Yeah, I just checked the power bill.” “Yeah, I just glanced at the weather forecast on the TV.”
How about listening to oneself? Almost impossible to corral the mind to keep it out of its own way, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Hey, were you listening to me? I know you said you were listening, but I have this feeling……
“Just because it is so difficult to listen, I’ll ‘focus’ on what you say. There, how’s that?”
When I sit down and play my piano, do my listeners really listen? In a sense they do, but it is like this…Hmm. Interesting tune. Nice melody, if I could just remember where I heard it before. Bit of a slip with the B-flat there, but not bad. Who was the original musician who played it? He made it sound much better. Oops, missed a beat there. Yeah, it would sound interesting on the guitar. I see some possibility, needs more practice.
We asked for someone to listen and they really didn’t hear. They thought we said, “Would you be a critic and show me where all my mistakes are.”
That’s the kind of listening that has spilled over into our personal life. “Show me where I go wrong when we talk.”
The latest strategy is called ‘intentional listening.’ That should make a difference, right? “We’ll do this together, okay? You talk and I’ll direct my intention.”
How come you have such immediate responses to my words? Oh, I’m speaking into your area of expertise? So you already know how to answer me? Oh, I get it. That would be your ‘intention’ at play. Your intention is to have the conversation go a certain way, not necessarily my way, since you are the expert.
That would mean that you are thinking ahead of what I say, and intending the best outcome for our interaction? Okay, but did you listen to ME?
I have heard it said that another person can ‘listen my soul into existence.’ I love that thought, and I would want to insist that it is ‘my’ soul that begins to exist. Your intention seems to want to ‘intend’ that your soul envelops my soul and it is ‘our’ soul that is created, with the strong part being ‘your’ soul.
That has the makings of a great country song theme, and just for now, please don’t listen to me anymore!
If possible, just let what I say, wash over you……and that’s all. Do nothing for now. Don’t ‘try’ to listen. That would really matter to me!
Rich