Have I talked about this before? No matter. And forgive me if I sound a bit preachy. I promised to be less so in the New Year!
Over coffee, a group of us were chatting about the New Year and the topic of resolutions came up. Hey, doesn’t it usually? At least for a few weeks? Usually if it pertains to weight loss or spending ‘quality time’?
A word that got tossed around this time was ‘acceptance.’
Accepting others and their foibles. Accepting my job and trying my best at it. Accepting myself.
At first glance, it was a great conversation. Accept myself meant I didn’t have to suffer the weight reduction issues! Accept others meant I didn’t have to interfere when it was easier to stay back, not intruding or being accountable. This was a sure win! When they get riled up when I have pushed their buttons, how righteous to stand back and ‘accept’ their tirade. Don’t we look good!
I especially liked the one about quality time. There are times when I want to avoid someone and ‘spending quality time’ with another is an almost unarguable excuse. It’s like having an ace in the hole, ready to slap down when I want time to myself and don’t want to explain why.
Of course, all of this is using our western cultural sense of acceptance which is more like tolerance or acquiescence, or submitting to something.
One of my friends suggested that he wasn’t happy at work and that he would ‘just accept it.’ But he continued to judge the environment and his fellow workers. It might be a good idea to notice, if we can wrap our heads around it, that this was not acceptance at all. His days would still be filled with turmoil because he was simply NOT accepting his situation. Hey, it ain’t easy! It’s not a matter of simply declaring that we accept someone or something.
When I hear someone say, “Accept me for who I am,” I can only do so if there is no hiding my eyes or assessment, no judging or opinionating. You see, the plea for acceptance means to include everything without trying to change anything. It’s an ongoing process of acceptance, and a very worthwhile one at that.
The first step however, is to accept ourselves where we notice we are not accepting of others. When asked to accept another, it might make a huge difference to everyone if we simply owned up to where we are not willing to accept. That matters more than all the energy that is required in the alternative, which is subterfuge, pretending and plain falsehood.
And please let’s not get into the ‘love the sinner but hate the sin.’ That’s a deadly barrier we have been taught to construct between us and them, so we can abide by the tenets of some religion. It is definitely not acceptance.
The kind of acceptance that matters is inclusive. Mostly, when we are un-accepting of something it is because of our own experience of it. To accept something does not mean we agree or will be forever stuck with what we accept. It’s a predicament isn’t it? We could swing the pendulum as far to one side or other as necessary in order to come up with something to win the discussion, couldn’t we? But that would represent something we need to accept in ourselves….the need to win arguments. So, let’s not go there, okay?
An indication that we are becoming more accepting of someone is when we notice a growing sense of intimacy with that person, and less judgment. When we notice this acceptance swelling within ourselves, it is more likely because we are becoming more accepting of something in us. That matters a lot because we can spread our new-found acceptance around! That would matter, don’t you think?
Oh, and you may be asking if this whole posting is about me asking, on behalf of all of us, that we be accepting and accepted? Is it? Perhaps. But it would matter if we did.
Rich