Full bookshelves, empty soul!

Well, almost there…or almost past it all! I’m probably like some others….have gotten gifts for those I love and have struggled most with those I needed to impress.

The cards are sent, no turning back…I said what I said and now I must live the words…..or more truthfully, I’ll act like I am doing so.

I notice I selected the card designs like they were really a cover of me, who I think I must represent to them. I hope I’ve concealed who and what I really am thinking…..and it isn’t about them. It is usually about me…if they are impressed with the card, maybe that’ll hold them for a while, until I think of my next move!

As I re-assemble the year, deep inside I feel like I’ve cheated others by portraying something other than the real me….so I feel like I’ve cheated myself as well.

Approaching the end of the year, many of us traditionalists are getting nervous because tradition says we must make resolutions…..maybe in writing, about what we are up to doing or becoming in 2009.

Last year we were so determined to be more true to ourselves this year, by doing more of what we love….and here we are, same place, same rut. Things just didn’t work out…or we may have tried too hard to impress and have set our sights too high (we say), or we have bills to pay and so we put any risks aside (for now, we justify).

Saying all this seems too easy. There is something I am resisting and I am doing a good job of creating confusion so I don’t have to face it…….and it’s about the truth. If I really stated what my truth is, I’d somehow be asked to re-state it, maybe publicly under scrutiny, or worse….have to live it! Yipes! That’s it!

How can I speak my dreams? Forwarding them may require a complete or serious overhaul of my life!  So I look for further words to justify my having made a bad decision! Clever, huh? It must be, since that ruse seems acceptable to lots of folks!

If there was only some way to create a crash-test replica of me…to throw in and test the waters….if it turned out to be safe, then the real me could step in and carry on.

I am caught in the same net that many of my friends are….we mistake the roadmap for the journey! We speak ‘knowingly’ of what we must do and where we need to be next year….and seem to be satisfied that this is somehow like actually taking action!

I’m not about to throw in a bunch of ‘do this or that’ here, but I am noticing something….being solid, heavy, analytical, and status-quo has us be where we presently are. Maybe we don’t need more of that? Maybe we have enough….info?

Where is the magic, the mystical, the wonder, the surprise, the passion? Should we watch the children and try to re-capture some of that magic, try to throw our cold analyses aside for now? Maybe then we could create a ‘next year’ worth living for?

Maybe that would really matter in 2009?

Rich