I’ll try to make this short because I think we are on the same page. Maybe just a reminder, however? I know I always need a bit of a tuning up from time to time! There is an expression called ‘preaching to the choir’ that comes to mind today, and yet I feel compelled to say a few words. (dammit, it still sounds like preaching, but…)
Watch some of the TV talk shows, and you may notice, as I did, that generalizations are the most common form of interaction when talking about the foibles of others. Okay, that’s a generalization but you know what I mean.
What triggered my thoughts was a result of paying attention to the following…..
The discussion on the TV included naming a certain personality who had passed on. No need to mention his name here since I’m more concerned about ‘what’ rather than ‘who.’
So the chit-chat included the phrase, “Okay, he’s no longer with us….and the truth can now be told. We’ll get to that after the commercial break.”
But my phone rang and when I got back to the show, I missed out on ‘the truth that could now be told.’
I know there are ways to go to websites, etc. and get the show re-runs. However, it was very interesting to watch what immediately happened inside my head.
First, notice that we humans seem to believe that whatever comes out of our own mouths is naturally the truth….why would we have untruths in our heads anyway? I don’t remember the last time any one of my friends said to me, “Rich, I want to tell you something and it’s not true.”
So, my mind got busy and tried to fill in the blanks. Don’t ask me where the questions were coming from!
“Who was this person who passed on and what was he ‘hiding’?
Was he a shady character?
Was he involved in some criminal behavior?
Did he have a record?
Was he unfaithful? Or violent?
Was he an addict?
Did he lead a double life?
What the heck was this ‘truth’ that couldn’t be told while he was alive?”
Looking at this stuff in my personal life, I’m thinking…..if someone were to say “The couple on the corner have split up and now the whole truth can be told” and the subject is dropped, then what does our mind automatically infer? And is there a slant that favors one party over the other?
Notice that the onus could be on us to add the material from our own thoughts and imagination, (like I automatically did, even if I know better) and that’s the trap. Of course, someone will say, “Don’t do that.” But that’s like saying to someone who has just tripped and fallen, “Watch where you’re going.”
A friend suggested that no damage was done if it was all kept to oneself…..but that’s another mental trap. Have we added a new lens through which we would now ‘see’ that couple on the corner? How much of the time do our conclusions slant towards gender or the negative?
Would he or she still be a part of our social group? I am not looking at what we ‘should do’. Everyone knows that. What is the real reaction?
Now here’s the insidious part….have we ourselves tried to take the high road on another by suggesting ‘there are things I could say, but won’t’? Wow! What just happened?
Yeah, I know. You were gonna say something nice…..but you won’t. Ain’t that the same thing?
I love it when we discover the great things about ourselves and others, especially if it follows ‘what can now be told.’ Heck, we should even demand that it be told!
But this all brings up or leads to something else…..automatic thinking or ‘knowing’ that can be as threatening……yes, threatening, for it sucks the vitality from anyone on the receiving end.
While one is obvious, like just mentioned, the other not so much, so what may we be unwittingly doing to those who are most precious to us? We decide we ‘know’ who they are and what they are capable of delivering in their lives, and that is the enclosure or boundary we define for them.
It could be said that we limit others by our limited expectations of them.
“But, isn’t that taking their ‘shortcomings’ on ourselves like it is our responsibility?”
Yeah, that’s kinda what I’m saying, except that I have a problem with the whole ‘shortcoming’ idea.
Our dilemma becomes exacerbated (always wanted to use that word for something!) when we wonder how hard we are supposed to push others, especially our children or other loved ones. That’s a problem for sure when it looks like we may be required to use force. (Here’s a hint: no force is effective or ever required!)
My experiences have always shown me that most folks are looking for ways to perform above the limitations they put on themselves. However, they don’t appreciate their own strengths and certainly don’t need our help in perpetuating their limitations. Matter of fact, they usually are responding to the expectations we have already placed on them.
Given their upbringing, everything life has thrown at them, their physical challenges, what they must still learn, everyone is probably doing the best they can. Most are not engaged in what they really would love to do to spend a life, and we may be the one who can make the difference. Sometimes we are the only one!
‘Are we willing to be surprised by others?’ is a pretty good mantra to live into.
How can we create an environment for them to surprise us, or more importantly, to surprise themselves?
So what matters up front, is to recognize when we are: judging others as incapable, or putting someone on a ‘list’ for past errors, or not checking to see what we, or they, may mean when they say they are unable. Yeah, when it happens around me, somehow I am in collusion, aren’t I?
In noticing all this, we might just get a glimpse of how interconnected we are. Now that realization would matter most!
Rich