Just a few words today about an interesting perspective, since it has come up in the lives of so many that I know. Do you notice how much confusion there is in some of the things we say? Or rather, confusion from what others think we said? Or, on this page, maybe about what I write?
Me, I’m always assuming I am using words that are clear enough in themselves, discovering that I later need to clear things up a bit. Or maybe a lot. This is probably due to the way we lump meanings into similar words or how words take on new meanings in our fast-paced society.
Flipping through the TV channels the other day, I came across a group of ladies having a round-table discussion about what it takes in seeking to be in a relationship.
Hey, a ladies’ perspective! That’s always cool.
The discussion included ‘If you enjoy the company of someone who lives in another part of the country, and who regularly travels abroad, could that be a possible relationship…….and what should someone sacrifice in order to pursue it?’
Well, under the banner of ‘all things are possible’ I suppose you could pursue any kind of relationship.
But these gals were talking about the option of dropping careers, giving up things they had worked so hard to realize, etc.
Actually, they didn’t say ‘drop a career’ but used the ‘sacrifice’ word.
While I was busy hollering at my TV, “No! No sacrifice! Don’t consider it! You’re watching too much TV!” they compounded the issue by suggesting a solution……the use of a relationship counselor to help things along. Wow, starting out under the burden of ‘sacrifice,’ with someone encouraging it? I suppose….
So, what’s the big deal about their use of the word ‘sacrifice’? Nothing, if they mean that there are things we all need to work out to have a life that works. However, it’s a big deal if they think that partners are in short supply, and one needs to forego one’s own life expression in hopes that sacrificing for a partner will fill a void.
If someone expects me to fill a void in their life or ‘complete’ them in any way, I am in big trouble!
If I think I have something ‘special’ and am capable of filling a void in someone’s life, I am in big trouble!
I think we should have straight conversations with budding partnerships about that, right up front….actually like a job interview. That way, when things go sour….like ‘You promised to rescue me and you didn’t’ or when there is no longer any void to fill……then we won’t be surprised to discover ourselves out of a job.
In the moment when those ladies were talking about ‘sacrificing’ for a relationship that did not yet exist, I thought, “Wait a minute! Don’t get caught up in the sympathy industry which thrives on relationship failure. Make sure it isn’t really a sacrifice after all.”
Ladies, I was just getting on your side about supporting your fullest self-expression! You have me enrolled in supporting your need for independence, equality and self-discovery in society, and in just listening until I understand what you are saying.
But………..
Is sacrifice something we trade today for hopes of some benefit tomorrow? Yeah, maybe ‘hope’ is the concern. It starts to look like a way of life……sacrifice by paying more taxes, higher interest on borrowing, taking more pharmaceuticals, have more surgeries, more pain drugs, more therapy, more government and police control (for our own protection) and the list keeps growing.
So, is it really necessary to add that kind of sacrifice to relationship as well? Is it noble to do so? For the guys or the gals? Yeah, guys could have had a similar conversation.
Might be called ‘being tough’ or ‘manly’ or some other such nonsense.
Probably a good idea to reveal the source of it all. Who was it that taught us that life is a struggle and filled with sacrifice? Using the world as our scorecard, is that partly why things look the way they do?
Just being authentic about the whole issue…..that would be good place to start and I suggest that little exercise would matter to all of us.
Rich